i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my shit smells like andre
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
