I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
