In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
