I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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