i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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