Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
