I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
