I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
