I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
