You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
