I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
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I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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