i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
