god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
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I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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