if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
