I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry about my life...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
