don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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