Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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