Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
