I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
