you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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