you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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