i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
