im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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