I intend to get homeless drunk
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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