how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
