even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Farmville is her only friend.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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