The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
