Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
