you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
