dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
