There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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