did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
