i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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