You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
People in love make me want to vomit
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
