broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
