Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
This gyro tastes like lonliness
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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