I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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