i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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