could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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