I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman