I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.