I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
