Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
