I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
