I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
