I'm gonna have a badass scar
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
