i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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