u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
