at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
