If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
