i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
