her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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