if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
