I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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