So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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