Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
