Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
