with your own penis?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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